Popcorn, treasure hunts and the furry pencil case

“Papa’s juice, papa’s juice!”
“No Joshua, this is my house, so this is Michael’s juice”
“Papa’s juice!”
My nephew, Joshua, and myself had this argument a few times over the weekend. Robinsons fruit juice apparently has a pseudonym of ‘Papa’s juice’, a name that is not known, at least not yet, in the Reid household. Joshua’s only allowed a certain amount of Robinsons juice as he follows a strict diet of as little sugary drinks as possible even though he had a more than healthy helping of the massive bag of popcorn I purchased for his sister, Morgan and myself at the cinema a few hours before.
Ka and myself picked the two terrors up at around 2 on Saturday afternoon for a trip to the cinema to see Madagascar 3 and Alex the Lion, Marty the Zebra, Gloria the Hippo, and Melman the Giraffe. We were then heading back to ours to house the niece and nephew for the night whilst Angela and Steven went out to a friend’s 40th birthday party.
As it was mid Saturday afternoon by the time we got there, the cinema was busy and crowded with families buying tickets for the latest Dreamworks animation. Ka and myself both had our cineworld unlimited cards at the ready but it somehow still managed to cost us £12? £12 for two kids to see a cartoon? Unbelievable.
It must be a flamin’ fortune to go to the cinema as a family these days.
We proceeded upstairs via the great glass elevator which moves up the corner of the building, looking out over the northern end of the city centre. Port Dundas Street stretching out ahead, leading up through the bustling crowds of buses, cars and shoppers towards the quieter streets beyond and the joys of the M8. On reaching the fourth floor, the four of us piled out into the foyer where we joined the queue for some sweet popcorn. The last time Ka and myself took Morgan to the flicks I’d tempted Morgan with a bag of Butterkist from the kitchen cupboard which she quickly rejected as her Dad apparently bought her the special cinema popcorn every time she went. So, with this in mind, I joined the queue and upon reaching the counter, asked for a bag of popcorn from the baseball capped foyer attendant.
Regular or large, I was asked. First I wondered what happened to the small. Perhaps management had rejected it as they could slap as big a price on it. I asked the becapped girl what the difference in size was.
“Well” the girl shrugged, lifting the two paperbags, holding up the small, purple paper bag and the large, A4 sized, yellow bag. “The regular is £4.45 and the large is £4.95, it’s only a difference of 50p”. I’m glad she pointed that last snippet out as I would have been there all day working that one out. Upon hearing the prices being verbalized before me, I asked her to repeat herself suspecting I had misheard.
I was wrong I hadn’t misheard her reply. £4.95 for a bag of cinema popcorn. I almost asked her to repeat herself again but then decided against it, seeing Ka, Joshua and Morgan waiting patiently for me at the side of the queue. If it’s a fiver for a bag of popcorn how much is it for one of those ludicrous looking hotdogs or those plates of Doritos and guacamole?
Why do people eat this stuff in cinemas anyway?
Doritos, okay, that’s fine, I suppose. But why guacamole? Could there be a blander condiment on the planet? And why those stinking hot dogs with the completely ridiculous amount of tomato sauce zig zagged over them? I can’t imagine anything worse than sitting through the duration of a movie having one of those giant sausages squirming about in your stomach in a pool of red sauce.
You see some people walking up the cinema aisle to their seats, hands and arms laden with hotdogs, plates of doritos, bags of popcorns and giant cokes. How can they sit and each that much stuff, never mind pay for it?
Anyway, Madagascar 3 was great. Well, for kids anyway… or if you like listening to Chris Rock for an hour and a half…

Unfortunately I don’t, but the film did have some other things going for it. Full of fantastic colour and craziness the story was like a speeding circus train, racing through it’s scenes and landscapes. Much to the kids amusement. Especially Joshua, whose favourite toys and tv shows just happen to be “choo-choos!”.
After the cinema we headed off home, to East Kilbride making a quick stop at the Fort Morrisons for pizza, another of Joshua’s favourites. We hunted the store for the freshly made variety, circling the entirety of the store before ending back up in the fruit and veg aisle, not two meters from where we started out.
Getting home we unpacked the boot, lifting the various backpacks, bags, guitars, teddy beds, Thomas the tanks and teddy bears into the house, reminding the kids of the last time they had visited when the place was a mess of chairs and relations, not to mention the giant bouncy castle in the back garden. Needless to say there wasn’t a bouncy castle this time around, although there was a treasure hunt which I put together in my last half hour of work on the Friday evening.
Before the treasure hunt, and as time was marching relentlessly on, we decided to ready Joshua’s bed and build the Dream N’Play travel cot borrowed from the McGarva household. Ka and myself worked at it for around half an hour, whilst Joshua continuously circled us, telling us how Papa could do it. After some struggle we ended up phoning Dougie, who informed us it was Steven who built it in their house. Not wanting to disturb Steven on his first night off for a long time we worked at it a little longer before I ended up on google and read of how a pregnant woman with a baby in one arm, could erect the folding cot with a heavy flick of the one free wrist. Needless to say we then found ourselves on the phone to Steven and just as he was about to leave the house in Bothwell to travel over and give us a hand, the cot seemed to suddenly coalesce, almost as if the thing had a mind of it’s own and had been having us on the whole time just like that moment when the Delorean’s engine roared to life when Marty headbutted the steering wheel. Almost collapsing back on to the spare room’s floor, like Doc at the end of Back to the Futrue 2, we all celebrated, high fives all round and we quickly called Steven back to tell him to continue to ready himself for the party.
So, the treasure hunt could begin. This hunt basically consisted of eight rhyming clues and a treasure map with which I led the kids around the house, on a hopefully exciting, but needlessly tiring, journey to find two bags of gold coins Ka had bought the previous week. Okay, it wasn’t exactly the most bountiful of treasures, but it did work in keeping them entertained, whilst the pizzas were baking in the oven.
After having run up and down the stairs a few times, visiting various rooms, getting our feet muddy in the garden, getting the bedroom carpet dirty from the garden, getting Ka to shout at us about it, and almost smashing the living room clock, the kids eventually ended up at the base of our dying yukka plant, digging down into it’s soil with their hands and pulling out a bag of gold coins each. A bag of gold coins and more than a few dollops of dry, crumbly soil which successfully exploded over the surrounding living room carpet. Fortunately Ka was in the kitchen and missed this. I quickly instructed the kids to run through to the kitchen and demand their coins to be cleaned, keeping her occupied, whilst I dived into the kitchen cupboard for our tall, trusty white plastic friend, the J. Edgar.
Following the treasure hunt we all sat down to watch the last ten minutes of Strictly Come Dancing and eat our pizza, the quietest the kids had been all day, and that included the cinema. Joshua was then put to his bed, the now fully functioning, or at least fully standing, Dream N’Play travel cot and Morgan set up the Snakes and Ladders interrupted by Ka giving the supposedly sleeping Joshua a quick check upstairs. He was awake and needing changed.
Oh my god.
I had never known such a smell existed. I called the army and warned them of a suspected toxic blast in the Calderwood area after I quickly disposed of the heavy white, padded bag given over to me. I had to put it straight into the wheelie bin outside. Regretting my actions almost instantly I then feared for my wheelie bin’s life. I’d probably go out the next morning to find a sizzling mound of melted green plastic that used to be our two wheeled, refuge collecting, green friend.
And there it would be sitting. Joshua’s nappy perched on top, still steaming.
On the past Wednesday mornings since moving in, when we’ve put the bin out for collection, it’s always been full to bursting and as a result the birds have been circling it, pecking at the bags exposed by the half open lid. Gawd helped any bird that dared to have a peck at that blighter.
What about the bin men themselves? They’d have to put that in their lorry? Do they get paid danger money?
If it gets out I could wake up one morning with the whole street in quarantine! Dustin Hoffman talking to me from behind the mask of a protective suit.

Anyway, whilst the nappy lay in the wheelie outside, the smell safely contained upstairs, unfortunately in the room where I was to spend the night in the futon alongside the travel cot, our Saturday night continued.
Pictionary with the furry pencil case followed the snakes and ladders.
Not two days before, whilst rummaging through some more boxes in my Mum and Dad’s loft, I found my trusty furry pencil case. Mum recognized it immediately after I’d brought it down. Mum had designed and created this furry pencil case when I was around seven or eight, for all my many coloured pencils, pens and other various drawing implements. Upon inspecting it’s innards I discovered it still held functioning felt pens so I brought it home for the weekend and for my niece to use for her drawings.
Unfortunately Morgan wasn’t too impressed and insisted on using her own black pen to draw her stories which we were obviously supposed to know. Ka used her illustrative skills to depict Blackpool as a steep pyramid built by the blind Egyptians with Christmas lights and I attempted the old woman that lived in the shoe.
That old woman had so many children she didn’t know what to do. We were looking after two for the night and we didn’t know what to do. We were knackered. Cinemas, treasure hunts, pizzas and snakes and ladders all seemed to work though. The old woman in the shoe obviously wasn’t that creative, she just whipped them all and put them to bed. If the old woman were around today she more than likely find herself getting reported to the RSPCC.
Still, it was all good practice.

Red Dwarf real ale and Runrig

Skull Splitter, Dragonhead Stout, Devil’s Advocate and Stone the Crows. Just a few of the beers on offer last week at the 13th Ayrshire Real Ale Festival in Troon town hall. Straight after work, on Friday night, I jumped in the car and headed out to Barassie to meet up with Dad and Dougie at Tom and Linda’s house. The plan was to get a quick dinner in the Barassie Reid’s house before heading out to the annual beer festival, staying the night with my Aunt and Uncle and the two dogs, Sally and Jake.
Dougie and Dad, who’d been at last year’s beer swilling event, had the spare rooms and I had the luxurious splendour of the living room floor, so whilst the two Dad’s were out getting everyone a fish supper, or a steak pie supper, in my case, Tom and myself pulled the couch cushion in from the mobile home, parked outside in the side driveway, ready for another trip the next Sunday morning.
Four giant portions of fish and chips and a steak pie supper later, we were ready to go. I knew agreeing to the chippie was a mistake as soon as I agreed to it. Eating that amount of food with the intention of then drinking a copious amount of beer could not be a good idea, surely?
Leaving Linda indoors with the dugs, Tom, Dougie, Dad and myself piled into the car and drove down to the Troon town centre, heading straight for the large concert hall after a brief stop off at the seafront Morrisons for a quick visit to the cash machine.
Once parked and disembarked outside one of the small, cosy looking bungalows on Academy Street we followed the few passers by up towards the Troon Concert hall, where, according to the notice board standing outside, Donnie Munro was to be playing at the beginning of November.
One of Mum’s favourites, Donnie Munro is the former lead singer of Runrig, the Scottish, gaelic speaking, celtic rock band. Donnie left to be a politician back in 1997. He’d played his last gig with Runrig at Stirling Castle on August 29th. I know because I was there, along with Colin, Chaz and Adie. Shazz was also there with relations, somewhere in the crowd. Colin had always been into Runrig and I wasn’t unfamiliar with them after hearing more than a few of Mum’s albums, not to mention my Uncle Laurence’s tapes. The 1988 live video ‘City of Lights’ was also a favourite of Mum’s. The live video began with lots of sweaty, eager looking Runrig fans trampling over one another to get through the front doors of the Barrowlands whilst Radio Clyde reported from the Eye in the Sky, circling the gloomy towers and rooftops of Glasgow as the opening drums of Dance Called America boomed through the echoing ballroom. At the time of the farewell gig in Stirling we must have been going through a particularly patriotic musical phase and had even cajoled Adie and Chaz into liking them, although I think that was down to the fact a few of the songs had rather loud drums which sounded good emanating from a bass tube.
I’ll never forget that Farewell Donnie Concert. Not because the singer officially left the band that night, or because we met the man himself and Runrig guitarist, Rory MacDonald straight after, but because suffering a slight hangover, Dad woke me up the next morning and told me Princess Diana had been in a car crash earlier that morning and died soon after.
Anyway, Donnie’s political career obviously didn’t work out fabulously so he’s back at the music, much to Uncle Tom’s vexation (“Runrig? They’re rubbish - Name one good tune?!”) but the night of the 13th Ayrshire Real Ale Festival was going to have a very different kind of music.
Paying our £4 each and receiving our pint glasses and programmes in the process we ventured forth into Troon’s crowded concert hall. A bar took up the whole of the right side of the large hall, barrel’s piled up behind, all with A4 paper labels displaying the many wonderful varied names of the sweet nectar stored inside, all colour coded indicating which kind of category they each fell into. A bitter, a best bitter, a golden ale, a strong bitter, an IPA, a mild, a stout or a Speciality ale. Over 120 beers were being served over the bar, £3 a pint or if you wanted to drink quicker, and taste more, £1.50 a half pint. The bar was run by a large bunch of volunteers from the organisers, Camra, the Campaign for Real Ale organisation whose posters adorned the walls shouting about petitions to George Osborne whose apparently taking over two thirds of the cost of our pint as we drink.
After visiting the Real Ale festival with Tom last year, Dad and Dougie, had told stories ever since of great beer and good music so I was curious to see what kind of music this occasion was going to serve up. As we shuffled through the crowd for our first beers, guys moved around on the stage at he end of the hall with wires and instruments.
First up, I tried the Kelburn Jaguar, a smooth, fullbodied ale with undertones of grapefruit and citrus with a hoppy aftertaste. No, I have not turned into the beer version of Jilly Goolden, I am merely reading from the programme, though I do remember this being the best beer of the night. As the crowd of drinkers got busier, a few of Tom’s mates introduced themselves, each with their own flagon of ale, and the band took to the stage.
Big Licks’ surprisingly good loud cover versions soon had Troon Concert Hall rocking with hits from the likes of the Goo Goo Dolls, Tom Petty, the Stones, Lenny Kravitz, Primal Scream and a whole lot of others. Three guitarists, one a bassist, a drummer and a lead vocalist who immediately reminded me of Bill Nighy from “Love Actually”. He was around the same age with a similar hairstyle, except a little longer at the back and a bit balder on front, with similar Bill Nighy glasses.

He made very decent attempts at the cover versions’ vocals, and jumped around the stage flinging the microphone stand around rather well, considering his age, smiling and laughing through his rather pronounced teeth excitedly. The bass guitarist looked on a little bored in his dark T-shirt and jeans, nodded emphatically to the beat, as most bass guitarists do, whilst the two other guitarists worked hard over their fretboards, spinning off into the occasional impressive solo between pints delivered to the top of a local amp by their wives.
Second beer of the night was the Golden Plover, a light, golden ale that was exceedingly easy to drink as we hummed along to the music. A beer named Red Dwarf followed as the third beverage of the night. I seen the name in the book and thought that since the new series had now started back I owed it to Doug Naylor himself to give it a bash. Another good choice.
Losing track of my beers, though taking it a little easier following the steak pie supper, I’m not sure what was drunk after the Red Dwarf but last of the night was by far, the worst. Merry Maiden’s Mild was this particular tipple’s title and it was in no way merry or mild. It was like drinking watery, alcohol imbued syrup.
Pretty horrible. Especially as I had to drink this one rather quickly.
The witching hour had swiftly come around and Tom informed us we’d have to run for the free train journey home to Barrassie. Dad, Dougie and myself followed Tom and his pal, a short running pal of my Uncle’s, up Academy Street towards the train station. Unfortunately we were travelling upwind.
As we walked there were some distinctive noises from one of the arses walking ahead of us and unfortunately we walked straight into some clouds of definite noxious nitrogen mixed with carbon dioxide with what tasted like the Merry Maiden’s Mild.
Up ahead, the train [ulled up at the station at the top of the hill. Tom and his pal arrived at the train station just as the doors slid open to the waiting crowds of beer swillers and other Friday night travellers. We had to run up the last hill behind them, after having deliberately fallen a safe distance behind whilst debating which of the guys the putrid gases were exiting from. Just as we ran up behind, gasping after the short jog, Tom’s short pal gave another loud frump. Our timing for arriving at their rear, out of breath, could not have been worse and as we suffered in another cloud of rectum gases.
After two minutes on the crowded train the five of us disembarked at Barassie, where Tom’s short pal left us with one last fart, propelling himself up Barassie station’s cross platform stairway behind some chattering girls. Tom had invited him back for some toasted cheese but I wasn’t too keen on the consequences of some more beer being introduced to the guys system, not to mention the cheese. Sally and Jake would have been packing their bags, never mind the rest of us.
Although Sally did almost get a rather more comfortable bunk for the night before we all headed off to bed. Just as we all parted from the living room following our toasted cheese, and Tom’s trip through his concert ticket memory box, I visited the bathroom to clean the old gnashers. Whilst I was brushing everyone else had a good laugh as, the now elderly, Sally made herself comfortable in my cosy mobile home couch cushion and sleeping bag set up on the living room floor.
She looked so comfortable.
I kicked her out.

Giant inflatables and disappearing buffets

Frank Sinatra’s slow, melodic version of Send in the Clowns’ played through the living room stereo speakers as we closed the front door on another day of guests at half past midnight on Saturday night. We were finishing up a little earlier than we had done at the previous housewarming but certainly didn’t feel any less tired.
It was the family’s turn to visit and from three o’clock that afternoon we’d had everyone from the Kerrs and the Taylors, to the Symingtons and the Leckies, not to mention the Reids and the McGarvas. The food had been demolished, the beer nearly all drunk, the wine bottles finished, the irn-bru and diet cokes swigged and the caffeine swilled, not to mention a bottle of the finest Arran Malt Whiskey with accompanying cheese and biscuits which more than a few people partook in, a gift to the buffet from my Uncle Jim from his new abode on the ‘geologist’s paradise’ (not to mention the golfer’s paradise, the camper’s paradise and the whiskey drinkers’). A text arrived in the morning from Jim to say he was supplying the cheese and crackers, bought from the famous Arran Cheese Shop, just before my Dad turned up in his gardening gear with his hedge loppers and his ladders. He was here to start the back garden.
The hedge running up the left of our back garden was ridiculously overgrown and, as a result, blocking a lot of the Scottish sunlight out so Dad and myself had been talking about trimming it all down at some point and getting it into some kind of order. I hadn’t expected to see him turning up on the doorstep with his ladders a mere four and a half hours before the arrival of the first guests though. The first of which would be the bouncy castle organised through one of the Mum’s in Ka’s work. This Mum owns, or is part owner, to a company that hires these inflatable structures out and Ka had the rather brilliant idea of hiring one to keep the kids entertained throughout the day. We had told people to turn up whenever, and however, they wanted from 3 o’clock onwards, saying there would be entertainment for the kids in the earlier hours of the afternoon.
Just as Dad and myself finished tidying the last of the giant bushes and hedge branches away from the back garden’s lawn, a job that involved surreptitiously chucking them over the back hedge into the council ‘controlled’ wilderness behind us whilst cutting and scratching my arms to ribbons, the bouncy castle man turned up at the front door, Ka immediately racing away in fright, up the stairs as she was once more still in her polka dot dressing gown (she does wash it, honest!). The guy brought through the black box generators along with a couple of mats and cables and gave the garden a quick check over and then instructed me to take down the washing lines before he disappeared through to the front of the house again. After obediently deroping our washing poles I jogged off through the house to meet the bouncy castle man once more, this time at the front door, mulling over how he was going to fit the giant roll of plastic between us, through the entrance. With a bit of shoving, a bit of squeezing, a bit of wall scraping and a touch of sweat we managed to squeeze the rolled up monstrosity through the not terribly wide front door, then finding ourselves in the hallway and faced with a similar problem three times more as we took the heavy delivery through the house and into the back garden.
That is the one major downfall of owning a terraced house. No side gate to the back garden.
Anyway, we eventually got the giant barrel shaped roll of plastic through and out on to the back lawn where the bouncy castle man immediately set to work, pinning the flat structure down into the wet, slightly mushy grass as I stood and watched the large square unfold over half the garden.
“We’re going to need a bigger garden”, I thought as John Williams’ dark, foreboding music built up in my head. The castle slowly rose up before me blocking the sunlight out that my Dad and myself had revealed in the previous few hours by chopping the surrounding hedges. A shadow now loomed over me from the giant arched roof of the inflatable monster which continued to rise like a cake in an oven with way too much baking powder. A slide seemed to shoot out from the nearest side of the structure as it filled with air, pillars and loops decorated with bubbling fish and swimming scuba divers rose up inside the filled framework and before long you could barely see a patch of grass around the plastic bouncy building.
These kids better turn up, I thought, as I seen the bouncy castle man off after he’d run through his rather vague health and safety procedure which basically involved making sure little kids were looked after within the castle and nobody did anything stupid.
I’m not sure he realised whose house he was in.
As Ka finished straightening her hair upstairs, I reminded her that I wasn’t doing any kid entertaining today. The whole reason we got the bouncy castle in was for me to specifically not do any child entertaining.
As soon as the first child came through the front door, who as the first on the bouncy castle? Muggins, that’s who.
At precisely three o’clock, on the dot, Aunty Lorna and her three girls, Wendy, Pamela and Susan, turned up along with Yvie, Wendy’s youngest. They all had their own customary tour of the new abode before Yvie finally got her way and headed out to the bouncy castle with Auntie Susan. Along with Yvie the first kids took to the bouncy castle and I helped support the little girl over the curved, wibbly wobbly surface inside the castle. Susan stood on the patio and supervised her niece as she got used to moving over the giant inflatable and the stranger egging her on inside it.
My cousin Sarah arrived soon after with her boys Christopher and Daniel and Uncle Ian and Aunt Anne just after. Before long I had company on the castle as Ian took wee Daniel up into the bobbing innards. More kids arrived in the form of my younger cousins Megan and Lauren with my Uncle Laurence and Aunt Maria, Claire arrived with her wee girl, Olivia and as the afternoon progressed and more and more of the families started trooping through the front door the house warming was soon in full swing. Ka got the buffet served single handedly, only because she refused anyone permission to help, I took coats and served drinks, my time on the bouncy castle now down to a minimal after the growing number of kids took over. I was also a little more hesitant to venture on to the bouncy castle along with so many kids after following Colin, Ka’s brother, on his first attempt to board the inflatable. He got so far as getting up on to the main section before losing his footing, falling back over his arse, taking me with him and managing to land on my head, much to the kids and the Symingtons’ amusement.
Mum, Dad, Jim, Lynsey Ann, Tricia and Tommy came in early evening, just in time for the second serving on the buffet table after the first table full got pretty much demolished within half an hour. Grace’s macaroni and homemade bread along with Ka’s wraps, olives, pizzas, prawns, cheese sticks and my very own chilli all went in the first tableful to be closely followed by the second which included Mum’s lasagne and Jillian and Jean’s coconut snowballs.
Jillian and Jean’s white chocolate coated coconut balls are now famous at family buffets, each in their own small paper cake cases and although merely around 2 – 3 centimetres in diameter each probably hold around 500 calories within their small, sweet interior. The coconut snowballs are almost becoming just as traditional as Aunt Linda’s trifle which, unfortunately, we lacked on Saturday as Linda could not make it due to an extreme cold.
My chilli was well received by most or so I thought until Pamela approached me in the kitchen and complemented it. She asked how I made it. As I started describing how I gently browned the mince in the pot she asked how I made my spices.
Make spices? I had no idea you could make spices? I bought mine from a shop in a jar, I replied to her.
Pamela frowned slightly and then asked how I made my chilli powder. Again I replied that it came from a jar bought in a supermarket. Morrisons own, I believe.
Looking thoroughly unimpressed now, Pamela squirmed with discomfort a little and started describing how she would usually make her chilli powder before trailing off and disappearing off to the living room again leaving me to ponder who invited Nigella flamin’ Lawson.
I wouldn’t have minded so much if it had been the real Nigella Lawson in my kitchen giving me her tips (just check my spelling there…).
Aunt Tricia had been so intrigued upon hearing about the bouncy castle beforehand that almost as soon as she arrived she joined Grace up on the giant inflatable and both ending up marooned, struggling to get up, thanks to the kids bouncing and ricocheting around them like popcorn in a microwave. At one point Joshua even accidentally headbutted Tricia across the head giving my Auntie a small, slowly growing, lump for the rest of the night whilst Joshua bounced off unaffected. In fact, he looked more than at home on the inflatable. He bounces about rooms like a blonde haired tigger at the best of times, giving him an inflated ground to use is possibly asking for trouble. I’m quite surprised he didn’t end up in Betty and Malcy’s garden next door.
The girls of the group also found it highly amusing to run up and hit, tap or punch either myself or Colin over the leg, waist or arse repeatedly before running off back up on to the castle. Lauren also took to mounting my lower right leg in an effort to hold me to the spot. Both were amusing at first but soon got slightly tiresome. There were perfectly good tall pillars of hot air within the castle, to punch and smack, why the kids felt the need to continue to hit Colin and myself I’m not sure.
Once the bouncy castle was gone everyone retreated inside for the night. Megan brought her guitar out to impress us with some Killers tunes and the rest of the night was spent chatting and drinking along with some more eating.
As I poured a few drinks for people and Tricia came into the kitchen requesting an aspirin, I spied Ka pulling a large, rather delicious looking, rectangular pizza from the oven’s innards. I’d barely eaten any of the previous tablefuls so I quickly rushed the drinks I was pouring. Once I’d finished pouring and dishing out the glasses I went straight for the buffet table in the living room to grab a square slice and found an empty breadboard with a large rectangular square of heat, grease and crumbs awaiting me.
“Who invited this lot?”

An online sales promotion is a project in itself. Like any project, it therefore needs a well - documented plan. The importance of a well - documented plan could not be discounted. It spells out what needs to be done, why it is done, and how you woul

Ideally, the plan contains eight elements: title, objectives, promotion period, deal, process, web communication strategy, and budget.

Here is a description of each element.

The Title. This part of the plan bears the name of the project. Most often, it captures what it is all about. It may bear a brand element such as the brand name and the nature of the promotion activity. It could be as simple as "iDrive Raffle Promo." However, it would be more effective if the title is trendy and distinctive.

The Objectives. Any business does not undertake any marketing activity for no reason. This is the portion of the plan where the question, "Why do we have to have an online sales promotion?" is answered. Essentially, it is done to improve some aspect of the business. This could be sales revenues, site visits, and product or service trials. It is also very important to express the objective in a specific, quantifiable, attainable, realistic and time - bound manner. This is crucial because this is going to be used in evaluating whether it is successful or not.

The Promotion Period. This part specifies the length of time the promotion will run. The entrepreneur must carefully decide the duration so as to allow maximum participation. However, this does not mean that it must be run too long because it would lose the urgency that a marketing project like this should have.

The Deal. The deal describes the nature of the web-based sales promotion and the elements included. For example, the business may offer a gift certificate for every dozen pieces purchased or a free e-book for the first 100 customers. The deal must be appealing to the prospective clients and must be reasonable enough to engage them.

The Process. This is basically a "how-to" section for both the business and the participant. It includes the step-by-step procedure by which the participant will have to follow to obtain the deal or offer. Meanwhile, this portion of the plan also describes specific implementation activities. The sales promotion terms and conditions is an integral element of this section.

The Web Communication Strategy. It is critical that the information about this sales and marketing project is spread to as many right people as possible. Hence, this segment identifies the various platforms to be used in disseminating the sales promotion. This could include social but not limited to media and search engine optimization strategies.

The Budget. The budget outlines the costs accompanying the sales promotion. This may include web design and development expenses for the landing page and related internet tools and the premium items to be given away.

Once all these information is clearly documented, the business will not have a hard time assessing the online sales promotion - whether it was a success or not.

http://ezinearticles.com/?The-7-Important-Elements-of-an-Online-Sales-Promotion-Plan&id=7046586

Are you looking to get that sales passion?

Everyone says that true online sales success has to having that burning desire... you know; you got to get that "sales passion" that everyone gets at some point just before they become successful. But how can you find out your passion?

Unfortunately, statistics tell us that about 75% of the population actually has no idea what their passion is. And, since the world is ruled by the almighty dollar, we all want to believe that our true passion lies in something to make us a million dollars! Ironically, the people who do finally achieve their lifelong financial security and now have the time to "do whatever they want" get bored to death! This is why you'll find most rich people either keeping on working or starting a new career in their 60's.

Where are you on the scale of 1-10 with your sales passion?

If you can find out your passion in sales - that "sales passion", then it's a win-win. The reason it just doesn't come easy for most of us is that we are caught between the need for certainty (a steady paycheck) and uncertainty (wanting variety and excitement). Then, on a scale from 1 to 10, we find ourselves at that steady 5 - getting just enough to keep is 'satisfied', but not enough to give us "sales passion" to allow our business to get up and fly.

We stay at a steady 5 because we're afraid to leave our comfort zone. We like adventure, but only if we're guaranteed safety. But having success in sales has a lot to do with leaving your comfort zone.

Push up your sales passion from a 5 to a 10 by asking yourself...

What makes me happy? Getting money can't be the answer here. We all think we need a ton of money, but when it comes, we're bored and want something new in our lives. Do you enjoy helping people? Are you in sales to help yourself evolve to be better with people? Are you focused on making money to help someone in your life, provide for a family so that others will have an easier life? If what makes you happy is connecting your sales job with growing as an individual or making someone you love happy, then you're on your way to finding sales passion.

Do I find what I do to be easy? If so, you might be in a rut. Although finding something easy is a great way to find your initial passion, you're apt to slip from a 10 to a 5 unless you are experiencing growth in your life.

When you're building your biceps, and it's easy to do 50 push-ups, what will help your muscle grow the fastest? Doing more push-ups! Even though it's past your comfort zone. When you push yourself just enough to stretch into something you didn't use to be, then that brings true satisfaction in yourself, which will help you in find your sales passion.

Having said, that, you'll enjoy thinking at the other end of the spectrum for sales passion...

What do I really hate to do? For me, it's cold calling. I'd rather scrub walls, empty garbage or pick up dog crap than get on the phone. I know, that keeps me from growing, that is, in the direction of talking to people. But online sales success doesn't always have to do with cold calling. In fact, most people get their sales passion out of online sales success because it keeps them away from the phone!

So to find out your passion, whatever you really hate to do, think about the opposite to find your sales passion. For me, it's achieving online sales success by learning more about writing articles and blog posts that will bring automatic income without picking up the phone.

What do I find myself thinking about all the time? And I don't mean negative thinking here. Do you like to think about your products and services? Then form your sales passion around that. Conduct research about real people who have used your product and write about their success. The more you write, the more passionate you'll feel. Do you think about talking to people and explaining your services? Then you love to talk to people.

Would I do it for free? If you're at a steady 5, then the answer is most undoubtedly "no". But if you find that your experience with sales has help you to grow, learn, and become a better person... or if you know that the money you've made has helped someone in your life and your relationship is better because of it, then you're on your way to a 10! When you look back to how your online sales success has made you evolve to a better life, than that's real sales passion!

Grow as a marketer to get your sales passion!

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Marketing a product through videos has become more common today. Marketing videos are short, informative and convincing. They are made to suit the specific marketing and promotional requirements of a business. They can be of several types, ranging fr

Businesses have today realized the importance of adding a marketing video to their online portfolio. Not only it can increase their sales, but also increases the lead conversions significantly. Services of professional video production companies are much sought after these days. Being professional, they give a creative and competitive edge to any business looking to have a marketing video.

The following points are to be considered while choosing a professional video production company. Keeping following factors in mind would help in choosing a good professional video production company.

Work Force: A professional company will always have a battery of experienced and professionally qualified team. It makes sense to check out about the people who form the work force of a company. A genuine company will be more willing to reveal this.

Past work: It's very important to see a sample of the work done by a company. You can look if they have tackled a variety of projects for a variety of clients. All companies now showcase their work through their videos. Anyone can go through them. Such videos gives an insight about the fashion in which they work. In total, a video sample will help you in choosing a best among the rest.

Written Agreement: Before choosing a company, make sure that you have decided about your expectations from the company. This will help you in having everything in writing from the company. Also check the terms and conditions that a company has laid for its customers.

Testimonials: Testimonials are the quickest way to know the public opinion about a company. Going through various testimonials can seriously help you in turning your decision either way.

Costs and time: It makes sense to choose a company which delivers your product at your price. At the same time it's also advisable to look into their viewpoint, because at times a company offers more for a slightly higher sum. Plus, do check that the price you are paying is inclusive of every incidental costs, such as taxes etc. Also make sure that they also respect the period by which you want your video to be delivered to you.

Client list: There is no doubt that an impressive client list always distinguishes a good company from not so good ones. If a company has served a global entity, it only works in your favour.

Post production services: A new company may not match the post production services as provided by an already established company. So, it's important to go in for a company who is fully cooperating towards post production services.

Awards and recognitions: An award and recognition obtained by a company tells about the trust it has generated over the years.

In short, choose a company which caters to the specific requirements and has the past records to prove it.

http://ezinearticles.com/?Marketing-Video---A-Fastest-Way-to-Increase-Online-Sales&id=7042733

In the last decade, online marketplace has become increasingly competitive. The more businesses and consumers use the internet as a shopping tool, the more marketing companies invest in selling goods and services online. If your business is attemptin

Market Research

In terms of market research, selling online is approached in the same manner as selling in the store. If a business fails to include the needs of the target audience; the strategies of its competitors; its ability to create meaningful appeals for what it sells; and a strong call to action, it is limited. Before it embarks on an online sales campaign, a business should have a provider of online sales consulting services research the needs of the target audience and the strategies of competitors.

Web Design

Sales-friendly web design is not a matter of opinion. If the layout of a website or the information it contains makes it difficult for visitors to make a purchase, the site should be redesigned. Some examples of unfriendly web design include a complex and complicated buying process or product pages that are only accessible as sub pages. Web shopping is not like shopping in store. Potential customers rarely spend time trying to figure out whether an opportunity is worthwhile. If they have difficulty getting information or making a purchase, they visit another website.

Online Video

Video is gradually replacing text as the primary source of sharing information on the web. Therefore, business websites benefit from containing video. There are numerous types of videos you can use to spotlight your business and its products, from corporate spokesperson videos to how-to videos. A provider of online sales consulting services or marketing consulting services can help you choose the right type of video for your business.

Customer Testimonials

Potential customers trust the opinions of past customers more than the opinions of the businesses. Customers ostensibly have nothing to gain or lose by reviewing a product or service. Therefore, including their opinions on your website in the form of customer testimonial videos is an excellent way to demonstrate the values of what you sell.

Search Engine Optimization

Regardless of what your website and social media pages contain, it should be optimized to achieve a high Search Engine Results Position (SERP) in Google. A Search Engine Marketing (SEM) firm could optimize your business' website, social media pages, and any content that drives traffic to these destinations.

Conclusion

Selling online allows companies to reach customers who cannot be reached in the store. It also helps them decrease operating costs by virtually expanding the sales territory instead of building more stores. To take full advantage of these benefits, companies must implement the right online sales strategies; a task that a provider of online marketing consulting services or sales consulting services can assist with. To learn more about online sales strategies, contact a SEM firm today.

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Whilst a lot of businesses simply have a website so that they can have an online presence, so that people can find out company information and contact details, the majority of businesses going online are doing so to sell more products.

But many people fall in to the trap of thinking that because they have spent thousands on a new website that it will immediately attract a lot of traffic, and that all of this traffic will turn in to buyers. Indeed an awful lot of companies are very disappointed at the Return On Investment (ROI) that their website brings them.

Firstly they may have had their marketing department work closely with their web designer to create a site that they think will work well, however when it comes to marketing on the Internet, the normal marketing rule book simply does not apply. Many traditional marketing methods just do not translate in to sales when they are applied online.

So if you have a website and want to make more sales online then what can you do? Well firstly before you do anything else you need to make sure your customers can place an order as simply as possible, and as fast as possible, you also need to ensure that your potential customer can find what they are looking for easily and quickly. Once you are happy with this process then you can begin to look at how to expand your online sales.

Firstly and most obviously you need traffic and the more of it the better, but there is a common misconception that if you spend thousands on a website then traffic will come flooding to it, sadly this is not true and you could find a three page site written by a teenager is getting more traffic than yours is. Gaining traffic is down to Search Engine Optimisation (SEO), which you could do yourself, but will find it far more easier to find a web development company to do this for you (Just note not all web design companies offer this service). SEO is the method used to move your site up the search engine rankings.

Good SEO will increase traffic and hence increase your sales.

Secondly once you have a prospective buyer you need to be "Upselling" to them. This is the process whereby at the end of the shopping cart you can offer items to the buyer by using words such as "People who bought/looked at this item also bought XYZ". This method is great for boosting your sales and can often add 25-50% more on to a sale.

Thirdly offer customer reviews on your site, as people love buying products that other people are raving about.

Fourthly set up an affiliate scheme so that other website owners can make a commission by referring buyers through to your site from theirs, as when properly implemented this can boost your sales by thousands of percentages.

Lastly set up some way of capturing the email details of potential customers, if you do this by offering a competition prize as an example, you can build a huge mailing list very fast enabling you to sell to people online time and again.

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Increasing sales, it is safe to assume, is the #1 objective of most internet marketers and the topic of our discussion today! The fact of the matter is in order to achieve this objective you must first attract people interested in what it is you have

Here are 3 very effective strategies anyone can use to attract people who have a genuine interest in the products and services you have to offer!

PPC

Many internet marketers may grimace at the thought of 'paying' for the traffic to their site however pay per click does deliver people interested in your offer! The reason for this is simple, you must create a short 'ad' that can be displayed in order to tempt others to click on it to visit your site! Of course the ad you create will be descriptive of what it is you are offering since you don't want to attract just anybody!Remember, you pay for each click therefore it is to your advantage to be as accurate and descriptive as possible when creating pay per click ads!

Content Marketing

Now even though using content to attract people with a genuine interest is cost free in terms of money, it still costs you in time and effort! Most all internet marketers use content in some way to promote their business and to attract people interested in what they are promoting! Here too the content you use should be 'right on target' with what it is you're promoting and if it is not, boy are you wasting your time! Nothing can be more descriptive and therefore better at 'weeding' out only those with a genuine interest than content you composed specifically for this reason.

Blogging

When you consider that blogging is a form of content management, there seems to be very few if any platforms better suited for attracting targeted traffic! With each new update you have the chance to 'broaden' your search a little by offering people content that is still relevant but yet focuses on something new! The best part here is that if you continue posting updates that keep people interested, they likely will keep coming back!

Increasing sales is the dream and ambition of all internet marketers but generating 'more' traffic is not necessarily the answer! Your focus needs to be on attracting only those people interested in what you are promoting and there are many effective strategies you can use to do so! The 3 strategies reviewed above focus on ways in which internet marketers can improve the quality of their traffic! By 'qualifying' prospective visitors, as is the case in the 3 suggested strategies above, you can attract only those with a genuine interest in what you offer! It simply stands to reason that if people already possess an interest in your products or services, they are more likely to make a purchase with you!

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